Tough Day

In the last few months, Lola was up to three hundred pills a month.

Today was tough day. Today is the day that I put away all of Lola's pills. We called the vet to see what our options were. Though we could not "return" them, we could bring them back and at the vet's discretion, they can offer them to a client who is unable to afford these drugs but needs them. Yes, it feels good to pass along the good deed.

Lyle and I have agreed that anything that makes us remember the happy crazy Lola can stay in place for as long as either one of us wants it to. Things that make us remember an ill Lola can be put away.

We put away the extra carpet runner that was only down so she could have better footing in the bedroom. We put away the extra dog pad in the living room that she only laid on when she was sick. We put away the small throw rugs from the back of the house that she would pee on when we didn't let her out fast enough.

We kept out the bed she slept in each night. We kept out the blanket she slept under. Her collar is easily found in the drawer. There are photos of her everywhere.

So you'd think letting go of these pills would be a cinch but I have been a wreck over them. I finally found the words to explain to Lyle, "I've been putting together Lola's pills for 6 years. They've gotten more and more complex and I have always been the one to lay them out two weeks at a time. FOR SIX YEARS since she first had her kidney issues to this month. And I realized that I am still waiting for her to come back to us. Her bed is ready. Her collar is ready. If I don't have her pills, how will she survive?"

And I had to let them go.

I tell everyone I am okay. I tell everyone Lyle is worse than me. I am pretty certain I am lying through my teeth. Because I am not okay. I am not ready to let go. But I don't have a choice.