Halloween, West Hollywood, 2010

Last night was the annual West Hollywood, Halloween Parade. And by "parade" they mean 500,000 people walking up and down Santa Monica blvd stopping only to take photos or get a drink. If you couldn't make it, lucky you! I did.

Lyle and I are terrible at planning what to be for Halloween. I am the master of last minute costumes that cost under $100 for two people. We've been "New Year's Eve" which consisted of wearing black suits with bow ties, drinking only champagne and throwing confetti on everyone as they passed by; French people in which case we wore striped T-shirts, a bandanna around our necks and carried a baguette; Cowboys and one year we just went out in flannel pajama with messed up hair carrying teddy bears.

On Saturday we decided on Hockey players, which morphed into Gold Medal Canadian Hockey players.

Canada for the GOLD!

We went out with our friends Todd and Dan and their friend Chris and Tom.

Todd and Dan, "Hey Sailors!"

Chris and Tom, "Satan's minions."

And then we hit the boulevard! The boulevard is closed at noon to prepare it for the onslaught of humanity. They have stages with live performances. There is a need to outdo what you did last year, to out shine the person next to you, have your costume be as current as it can be or to show as much skin as possible. We saw a lot of Chilean miners, Snooki and well built guys using any excuse to call underwear a costume.

My personal favorite of the evening: Karl Lagerfeld!

There are no words to describe...

Satan's minions and a lifeguard... "Easy Access" indeed.

Glitter and be gay.

Our first Snooki of the evening.

I couldn't help but think she was out as a smoking Barbara Billinglsy.

Everyone loves a Dutch man. Why so serious Todd?

We had started out at 7:00 pm and we were home by midnight. I woke up this morning to with two big bumps and scrapes on my forehead... Oh yeah, Dan and I fell down about 10 pm. I can place that because I texted my friends, "concussion" at 10:05. The craziest part of all that, I felt quite fine this morning. I swear to god, next year I'm going as Karl Lagerfeld.

Halloween placeholder

Oo-la-la, Halloween was crazy!
It may take me a few days to get something up here...

It's the Great Pumpkin family reunion, Charlie Brown!

So many pumpkins to choose from! How will we decide?!

Gourds are nice. And funny. These look like hats.

These gourds are either swans or snakes coming out of basket... or easy carry with those handles.

As far as the eye can see....

Trio of cupcakes. I think we all know where that tombstone is going...

Look at me, I'm a Deatheater!

Countdown to Costumes, "Eat your Wheaties"

This was last years costume.
I was in Seattle on my way to my parents 50th wedding anniversary. My nieces asked me if I was going to go trick or treating with them. I said. "Of course!" They asked what I was going to wear (this was in August). I said, "HOT PANTS!" Then I was stuck trying to figure out a costume that I could wear hot pants with, in Seattle, in October, in a neighborhood where my brother's family lived, surrounded by children, and not walking down the street in West Hollywood surrounded by drag queens... this was going to be tougher than I thought.

Wheaties was my answer. By the way, it was COLD.

I'm considering wearing this costume again this year (in West Hollywood) but adding a blood effect and carrying a large fake knife. I would be... wait for it... a CEREAL KILLER.

Countdown to Costumes, "Hey Sailor..."

The secret to a good costume is repeatability. Wear it in one loacation one year, then move to a different location the next.

Hawaii, 2006 (pants on)

West Hollywood, 2007 (pants off)

Countdown to Costumes, "Who was that Masked Man?"

Some years you got it. Some years you don't. This year with the black masks, was a totally lame year. It was Halloween day and we were still calling each other asking, "Are you going out?" "Do you know what you're going to be?" "Where should we go?" Everyone had the same answer, "I dunno."

I took matters in to my own hands. I called a few friends (safety in numbers) and told everyone to be at our house at 9 pm. "Wear all black," was all I told them.

I went to the local "sexy store" the Pleasure Chest and purchased a black leather mask for everyone coming out. Costume solved.

We went to our fallback local friendly bar. Location solved.

Then people asked us what we were supposed to be. Uh...

"I can't reveal my secret identity."
"Madonna's back up dancers from 'Justify My Love'."
"A hotter version of the Lone Ranger."
"What do YOU think we are supposed to be?"

But we had a great time and that's what matters most.

Fast forward a few years and the masks make a comeback:This year we had our answers, with the addition of black feathered wings and a lot less clothing, we were Fallen Angels and we were strutting our stuff down Santa Monica Blvd. WORK!

Countdown to Costumes, "What a Drag!"

Our first Halloween out together. It was crazy.We bought white smocks from the university book store (thank you science department) tailored them in slightly, added silver buttons and... Voilá, Clinique Ladies from Hell!

It helped that at the time I worked for Nordstrom and my cosmetics manager loaded me up with the goods. We had out "Silent partner pins" on, "Moisture Surge, Ask Me How!", we had free samples, "Ooooo, that doesn't look good, here, try this moisturizer." and we wore basic black loafers (no heels), "Girl, I am on my feet behind that counter all day. I need comfortable shoes!"

We went to the Seattle Aquarium Party (a big gay fest) and there was a "costume parade" that I thought would be super fun to do. I convinced Lyle and my brother to go along with me and we were shocked, (SHOCKED!) to discover that the parade led you directly onto a stage where you were interviewed for the costume CONTEST. The microphone came towards us and they asked us what we were, "Clinique Women From Hell" I replied meekly (turns out, if you put a wig on my head I loose my personality). They asked a few more questions that I can't recall, but the audience turned on us and started to make restless noises, at which point Lyle grabbed the mic and started shouting that they were all ugly and needed makeovers. We left in hurry after that.

Two years later we returned to the scene of the crime with Robb in tow. Lyle refused to dress in anything girlie and this was our compromise:
Catholic school girls out on a field trip with their priest. Lyle was consistently molested and bothered by people in his priest outfit. He regretted not going as an ugly woman like the rest of us.

Countdown to Costumes, "Giddy Up!"

In San Francisco for Halloween I learned that it is NOT West Hollywood. It's COLD!Note Lyle's last minute "Cowboy Costume". It consisted of his own jeans, his own flannel shirt and sued vest paired with a child's cowboy costume from the drugstore. Tiny felt chaps, a neckerchief, a sheriff's badge and a hat.

I was Peter Pan. I know, not really a costume if you wear it every day, it's just an outfit.

Ten years later and Lyle finally gets the costume he wanted years ago:
This was the year we rented "Real Hollywood Costumes" from Western Costume. Lyle has sueded chaps, a fringe vest (his own Dolce and Gabanna denim shirt, he is gay after all) and oh, that's my cowboy belt.

Notice how I always wind up in a tunic or some really short shorts (or underwear)? Let's face it, I'm all about the legs.

Countdown to Costumes, "HAPPY NEW YEAR!"

Halloween is coming in less than ten days! What to wear? Who to be? Where to go? It's all so complicated!!!
This is one of the first Halloweens that Lyle and I went out together. We went as "New Year's Eve". Such a lame yet fun costume. Wear a nice suit or tuxedo, take an empty (or full yet soon to be empty) bottle of champagne, and lots and lots of confetti.

We were at a party in Pullman Washington. Oh the horror. We went because we had promised a friend we would go visit him at college. His date was a DJ for a local radio station. We got free admission to a college town radio sponsored party. SHUDDER.

There was a set of "Miller Beer Girls" and I don't think it was a costume for them, I think they were working. Shorter than short outfit, higher than high hair. Every time they walked by we blew our horns, shouted "Happy New Year" and threw fistfulls of confetti at them. Our goal was to weigh down that hair until it fell flat.

After about 10 laps past us, four girls stopped dead in front of us.

"Hey, have you guys been throwing confetti at us all night!?"
Uh, no... we lied.
"Are you certain?" demanded the girls while pointing at the mound of confetti that surrounded our feet.
Oh, uh... um... sorry... We were SO BUSTED.
"So uh, do you guys wanna dance?" the lead girl asked Lyle as her second in command stepped towards me.

Well crap. I forgot this is how straight people flirt. Throw things at people you like. Torment those you are interested in. Small college town, straight bar, not my usual comfort zone... we were trapped and said, "I guess."

Our first dance was the ever popular "Cocaine" by Eric Clapton. I loathe that song. Then a slow song came on and Lyle and I were each drawn in closer by our dance partners. Aside from being freaked out that a Miller Girl was touching me, I found the whole scene surreal and hilarious. Whether you believe in God or not, you'll have to admit my prayers were answered when suddenly the music came to a screeching halt. The power had been overloaded and they blew a fuse. Before anyone could make a different suggestion (like, "you wanna go outside?") I blurted, "Well, I guess I should get back to my friends," and bolted to the bar. Lyle followed right behind me.

Lessons learned:
1.) Don't throw confetti at the same people all night.
2.) Remember during introductions to college girls that key phrase, "I'm gay."

Happy Halloween!

What? It's not Halloween anymore? Where has the time gone...

In any case, I still have Halloween to share and I forge ahead. We spent Halloween in Seattle. On our way to my parents 50th anniversary in Bellingham. I never had a Halloween growing up that didn't include rain. It rained in Seattle on Halloween this year as well.

Here is my brother all dressed up for Halloween as a wet Seattlite.

When I discovered that I would be in Seattle for the auspicious occasion, I called my nieces ans asked them if they knew any good parties to go to. They are 11 and 15. They told me the coolest thing was to go trick-or-treating with them. Since I had to be up early the next day for the anniversary party I decided an early night might be a good idea.

"Uncle Jim," they asked in unison over the speaker phone, "What are you going to wear!?"

Hmmmm, I replied, I'm not certain, but the one word that comes to mind is.... HOTPANTS!

"Noooooooo! You can't wear Hotpants! You'll freeze!"

I'll be fine, the pants, you see, are HOT!

"Uncle Jim! You're crazy!"

Crazy for HOTPANTS!!!

And so I was stuck. I now had to come up with a costume wearing hotpants, that wouldn't embarrass myself, my husband or my nieces. But it still had to be good. I began my search early and found the answer!
OK, technically not hotpants, but that is a swimsuit. Lyle decided to dress as someone who is easily annoyed by me. As I say every year, "It's not a costume if you wear it every day, it's just an outfit."

My brother's family lives in a pleasant neighborhood in Seattle that seems to have an abundance of Range Rovers, BMWs, Mercedes and Volvos in every driveway. Suffice it to say, they get a lot of trick-or-treaters. To illustrate, by the time I got there at 7, my brother's house had already run out of over 100 candy bars. To contrast, at my house in Los Angeles, we've never had one trick-or-treater in three years.

We did the walk. And walk. And walk. I guess it seemed long to me because a) I wasn't getting any candy and b) I was in hotpants. I guess it seemed long to my niece and her friends because they wore super high heels to go trick-or-treating in the rain.

Janie, Sage, Madeleine (as Rachel Zoe) Allie (as a street sign) Darlene, Nicole and Nicole.

For me, the best costume of the night were the three young guys who were dressed in prisoner stripes carrying swords with cereal boxes skewered on them. The notice on the front and back of their shirts read: Convicted Cereal Killer. I screamed and hid behind my brother. The guys ran away laughing and about two houses away I saw them stop, turn around and look at me in my GIANT CEREAL costume and say, "Oh wait a minute, I get it... HE'S CEREAL!!!"

Trade you an Almond Joy for a Sugar Daddy?