SUBLIMINAL MONDAY: More Fun Than Brad & Angie on the Set of Mr. & Mrs. Smith [PSYCHE!]

I did it, folks - I finished the 3rd draft of my YA novel! Could you possibly be more excited? No, I didn't think so. [Moving trash cans to the curb would be more exciting. Watching the grass grow would be far more exciting. Getting a root canal would be practically thrilling.] It is such a great feeling, almost as good as [sorry, folks, trying to keep this G-rated]. I will read through my ms one more time before I send it off to Awesome Agent (AA) and hope she loves it as much as I love my five-month old niece, Devyn from Heaven. [Will send 80% dark chocolate offerings to the gods in hopes she doesn't realize what a ghastly mistake she's made.].

Once I send it off to her, I'll dive right into the follow-up like a good writer [go on a week-long shopping spree and play countless games of spider solitaire.] I'm hoping the major edits are behind me, but that's not my call, now is it? [I'm begging you, AA - remember that Coach bag we talked about?]

As long as Mother Nature cooperates and doesn't bring another snowstorm to the Northeast, I will be meeting AA in NYC on Thursday. [Mother Nature's a selfish hussy. I mean, isn't two feet in one week enough for her insatiable appetite? In her case, apparently size does matter. ] I'm bringing my Flip camera and will film us having more fun than Brad and Angie on the set of Mr. & Mrs. Smith. [PSYCHE! Get your minds out of the gutter, people, sheesh!] We will, however, do our best to whip up some enlightening publishing tips for your vlog-viewing pleasure. It's sure to be a monumental literary experience. [Will try not to get drunk and dance on the table. SO not a good look.]

And, here's the best part: List your questions for AA in the comment section, and she may answer them in person! Yes, that's right folks - you may get to see AA answer your questions live and in person on my next vlog. Aren't I amazing? [Um, no. AA's amazing. You, on the other hand, are a pitiful cross between boring and pathetically self-involved.]

SUBLIMINAL MONDAY: All Aboard for Understatement City!

I'm happy to report, SUBLIMINAL MONDAY is alive and well, taking the world by storm, leaving no prisoners, and is as tasty as a triple-scoop, hot fudge ice-cream sundae without the nasty calories. [Only my parents, husband, BFF, and annoying neighbor down the street read these silly SM posts]. 

This brings me to another important point: for the record, SM stands for SUBLIMINAL MONDAY. Please don't confuse it with S and M, which is another conversation entirely. [Not that I'd know, I swear, Mom.]

Problem is, SM's popularity makes me worry no one will read my blog on any other day of the week. [So what else is new?] It also makes me sad for the thousands of unpopular Monday blogs. I mean, who will talk to them in the halls before gym class, carry their books, or ask them to Prom? [YA novelists are delusional. They believe high school never ends.] Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled so many people are inspired by this secretive form of communication. It's just that it's a heck of a lot of pressure to keep up the funny week after week. [Keep up the funny? What the hell kind of jackass phrase is that? That is SO not funny.]

For this SM, I thought I'd give you a recap of my week. [This is when sane people click over  to Twitter or nap.]

MY NOVEL

As you know, I got my edits from Awesome Agent last week and am happily [tediously] working my way through my mss for the third time. I have to say, I freaking LOVE this book! [Conceit, especially unfounded, is so unattractive.] I'm hoping this revision will move me closer to submission, and that makes me so excited I could scream. [Terrifies me to the point I barely remember my afternoon chocolate.] I've got until the end of February to complete the work, which should be plenty of time to edit 240 pages. [And by "edit," I mean playing 4-Suit Spider Solitaire ad nauseum."]

NFL FOOTBALL

Did you watch the games this weekend? Weren't they exciting? [Snore.] Good luck to the Saints, Vikings, Colts, and Jets. If I tell you who I'm rooting for, I'll have to kill you. [Jets & Vikings] Although this week's games were a bit lopsided, next week's AFC and NFC championship games should be positively THRILLING! [Watching butter melt would be thrilling compared to this week's games.]

THE GOLDEN GLOBES [Code name for Mariah Carey's Enormous Breasts]

Hollywood stars think they're all that and a bag of Mrs. Field's chocolate chip cookies with their fame, endless amounts of money, and fairy-tale lives. Who in their right mind would want that kind of shallow, meaningless life? [Raises hand.] I am, however, glad that Sophia Loren (75), Helen Mirren (64) and Meryl Streep (60) showed up looking smoking hot, because let's face it: I'm not getting any younger. ["All aboard!" said the conductor, "For Understatement City."]

And "Avatar' winning best picture? WHAT a shocker! [Even Julia Roberts couldn't feign surprise.] Who'd expect James Cameron's work of art [expensive remake of every Disney movie ever made] would win over movies with original stories and great acting? [Everybody.] Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed Avatar. Mind-blowing special effects, 3-D glasses, tall blue people, good vs evil [or, as James Cameron spins it, GOP vs Libs]; what's not to love? But, Best Picture? Feh! [Yeah, you heard me, feh!]

MARTIN LUTHER KING DAY

Martin Luther King, Jr. was and always will be a great American hero. His life was inspirational. He taught us to stand up for what we believe in and that peaceful change is possible. There will always be civil rights to fight for [gay marriage], and I'm grateful to have MLK to look to for inspiration. Let's each take a moment to thank him and those like him for being the change we wish to see in the world. And let's each take baby steps to become a little more heroic ourselves. Because I've been to the mountaintop...

And please don't forget to donate and keep the people of Haiti in your thoughts and prayers. [Donate what you can, send good wishes, and be compassionate to those in your life.]

NOTE: Sorry, all, but I've got a freaking spammer, so I've turned the word verification back on. I know it's an annoying pain in the arse, but nonetheless... Have a sparkly day!