SUBLIMINAL MONDAY: Revelations

Is it just me, or are SUBLIMINAL MONDAYS arriving at warped speed these days? I'm fairly certain someone has messed with the fragile space/time continuum, and I'm not pleased. The reason this angers me is because, although it may not look like it, these posts do not write themselves. [In fact, small elves from Greenland write them, but I'll save that for another time.]

So, my friends, guess what? I'm back to work on a new story. [Sheesh, does this writing crap never end?] Awesome Agent is currently reading Draft #3, and I'm going crazy not editing. Therefore, TADA! new book to the rescue.

As I was writing this week, I had a mind-bending revelation: There may not be "magic" in this wip, and I mean that literally. I would've bet money that the follow-up to my first YA novel would also have a magical element, but guess what? I would've been wrong. [I'm sorry, are you snoring? RUDE!] So, what is my new book about you ask? It's about teenagers without special powers, other than their usual bitchiness, know-it-all-ness, laziness, sex-craziness, etc. that teens excel at. [I'm sorry, did I say, "teens?" I meant,"I."] Even though I'm only 4,200 words in, I'm already in love with my characters. They're fun, quirky, bossy, interesting, and conflict-ridden. And a few are just plain train-wreckish. [Like Tiger Woods or Sarah Palin. Or maybe Tiger Woods and Sarah Palin. Ohmygod, could she have been one of his gazillion mistresses? Holy Lipstick-On-a-Pig, Batman, I didn't think it was possible for my opinion of Tiger to tank any lower!]

Like many writers, I translate the drama I see in real life into fiction. I'm fortunate enough to be surrounded by a gaggle of teens. [Yes, they're called a "gaggle." Google "gaggle" if you don't believe me... Okay, fine. I made it up. I just wanted to say google gaggle.] Of course, I cut out about 99% of the bad words they use, because, really, who wants to read a book with the "eff word" in every sentence? [Larry Flint, Howard Stern, and David Duchovny, to name a few.]

And, don't faint, but I had another revelation this week. [Must be the extra chocolate I've been strategically adding to my diet.] I realized writing is akin to Olympic sports. Yup, you heard me right folks. Like Olympic athletes, we writers rise early in the morning [afternoon], exercise [Twitter, solitaire] and GET OUR GAME ON! [Write a chapter or two and take a nap.] Sometimes we even fall down [roll out of bed for a snack] leaving random body parts [words, sentences, entire chapters] strewn about, and get up and do it all over again the next day. In fact - and you can quote me on this - the stress we writers face far surpasses that of Olympic athletes. Why? Because they only do it once every four years, while we writers sometimes write four books in ONE year. You do the math. [You hate math? Fine, I'll do it for you. 4x4=16. You're welcome.] Like gold medalist Shaun White would say, "I'm so stoked, dude, cuz like, WRITERS ARE TOTALLY RAD!"

So, as you continue to watch world-class, Olympic athletes skiing, skating, bobsledding, or whatever-the-heck it is they do on the international stage this week, remember to give credit where credit is due: to the writers. After all, it is we who work our arses off [sit on our arses while we work] and it is we who never sleep [not counting night time and mandatory afternoon naps].

SUBLIMINAL MONDAY question: What is your favorite Winter Olympic sport? My fave is Figure Skating. [Will forever be in love with Torvill and Dean.]

SUBLIMINAL MONDAY: Olympic Level Writing

Watching Olympic level figure skaters this weekend made me think about my writing. If these wonderful young athletes [16 years old? Are you freaking kidding me? I freaking HATE THEM!] can rise from slumber long before dawn and practice hours at a time from about five minutes after they burst from the womb, then why can't I write for 4-8 hours each and every day? [Because that would assume a thing called "discipline" which, if my bathroom scale could talk, would tell you is sorely missing from my life.]

My main problem is distractions. Annoying phone calls from Stephen King pleading for writing tips [who do you think helped him write, "On Writing?"] and emails from Hollywood film agents needing option and casting advice distract me and get in the way of my precious writing time. [Actual distractions include Twitter, spider solitaire, frequent chocolate breaks, and napping]. I've considered hiring an assistant to field calls from Stephen and Hollywood, but haven't found the spare time to advertise. [BWAHAHA! What would I have an assistant do - surf the internet for pictures of Ashton Kutcher to add to my collection? Hmm, not a bad idea...]

So, in order to step up my writing game to Olympic levels, I've decided to make some changes. After all, you do not become an Olympic champion overnight. Here's my game plan:

1) VLOGGING: I'm going to start vlogging. What is vlogging, you ask? It's video blogging. You'll click on my video and listen to me talk. Isn't that like totally mega-fabulous? [Snore.] I plan to have my first vlog up later this week.

In order to accommodate this leap into modern technology, I bought a Flip Ultra HD. Ain't she pretty? Yes, folks, I'll be imparting vitally important information about writing via the magic of a cell-phone-sized video camera. If you're nice, I may even serenade you with an original song or two. [More snoring.] Let me know what types of things you'd like me to discuss, and be sure to keep your requests G-Rated. After all, my parents read my blog religiously. [2-3 times a year when I visit them and guilt them into it.]

2) NO TWITTER 'TIL NOON!: In order to fully concentrate on my work, I'm not turning Twitter on until noon. Talk about a MAMMOTH sacrifice. [I get up at eleven, so it's really no big deal.]

3) EATING LESS SWEETS: I'm cutting back on my enormous daily intake of sugar. You may not understand how the intricate complexities of less sugar ties in with upping my writing game since this is quite a complicated physiological matter, so let me explain. [I've no flipping idea.] When you take life to a whole new level, you need less sugar. Less sugar = more sustained energy = more and better writing. I swear, this is true. [I made the whole thing up.]

So, there you have it, folks. My new regimen for upping my writing game: vlogging, no tweeting 'til noon, and less sugar. Pretty brilliant, eh? [About as smart as Sarah Palin discussing anything remotely political.]

Although, I think this plan is like totally amazing, dude, my husband's not impressed. Ever since he started training for his first marathon this coming May, he thinks he's all that and a bag of treadmill-shaped chocolate chip cookies Woohoo, big deal, he's running a marathon. [I couldn't run a single block even if a pack of wild wolves were chasing me.] I, on the other hand, am officially in intensive training to be an Olympic-level writer, which is way more incredible than completing a stupid 26.2 mile run. [Are you laughing? Do you think this is some kind of joke?]

So, my dear friends, I'm off to make Olympic-sized lifestyle changes so I can make Olympic-sized literary history. Anyone care to join me? [What? You wouldn't follow me if I were the last person on earth and was dropping $100 bills behind me?]

My special SUBLIMINAL MONDAY gift to you. Click on the link below and enjoy:

Favorite Olympic moment: Torvill and Dean skating their unmatchable dance to Ravel's Bolero, winning them the title of 1984's Olympic winners in ice dancing. Sheer perfection.